Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Its Doomsday...

… December 21, 2012 is the end of the world (predicted by Mayan Calendar End)

If this is true…you are officially 3 yrs, 9 months and 4 days away from "the end."

How do you want to spend your possible last 3 yrs on this earth?

"The date is December 20, 2012. Tomorrow, obviously, is December 21, 2012. At approximately 11:11pm our existence on this planet some think, will cease to exist. How would you like to spend the last 3 or so years of your life? Having guaranteed great with one individual? Or doing so with more than one person knowing the experience could be good, or bad? "
This question arose from a discussion my sorority sisters were having in a room with a fraternity we are close to and the conversation bled over into wings night at Applebee's. As I woke up this morning, the question of the night before rested in my head. Rico…How would you like to spend the last 3 or so years of your life?
Do I want to spend it running after a woman who is obviously not in love with her boyfriend (or at least that is what I am told)? Or do I want to spend it back doing what I used to do – creating new moments and new experiences, no matter how bad or good they may be? Do I want to go after the dreams of being a writer/musician? How does one deal with the conflicts of their heart? Is there any real resolution to what I want…or more importantly, what I truly desire?

How do I want to spend my last 3 years?

I would love to look back on the night before December 21, 2012, and think, after 30 years on this earth…I want to honestly say it has been a wonderful ride. If we do make it to December 22, 2012, I don't want to regret anything because I was living for the next 3 yrs instead of thinking I have more than just 3 yrs left. I don't want to look back and think oh how you wasted time chasing after her…but then again I don't want to look back and thing oh how you should have continued. Early on I was told I shouldn't quit. Quitting is NOT an option! I didn't raise a quitter. It's almost like a moral conflict to just walk away. Especially as fucked up as it may be, I should.
Maybe my life lesson is relationships or better yet finding ways to foster healthy ones. I am constantly told I am "too good" to be in this situation. "Too Smart"—"Too Beautiful"—"Too Wonderful of a person"—There is nothing in me that does not believe that is true. I am not too sure where I should turn. It's really interesting how this 3 yrs left to live has thrust my whole world into a new plane of thought. I feel off balanced.

Also, who is it that I want to be? I had a conversation with 2 individuals last night. It was brief, but I realized I still live a double life. I can't be me at home. At all. Yet, as much as I want to get away from UD, it's like an addiction to me. It is the place I came into who I am. UD was the place where I gained confidence in who I am, in who I love and not care about what everyone else says/thinks. It continues to be my refuge. I am a clouded version of myself entirely blurred from my family … and other facets of my life (such as work and church). I am tired of pretending, and tired of faking. I have put myself in a cage…I have made my bed hard. And I have been forced to sleep in it. I need to regain strength and move. Walk out of my cage. But it's not so easy…How do you become who you want to be, when you are afraid of losing those that think they know who you are.

Again…the question plagues me…

1 comment:

  1. Interesting question. A few blogging friends and I were discussing how would we spend our last week. I had thought I knew before I contemplated the question, but then it hit me - I would spend the time mostly with my wife. Awesome thought. Gives me more insight into what my daily priorities should be.